Logic

So I have still been dealing with the whole "post break-up" emotions this week. It still sucks. I still miss him. I ended up texting him on Sunday afternoon and just asked how his weekend was and he replied saying that he had a boring weekend and basically stayed home. It felt like the right time to initiate some friend-level small talk, and I felt better for having done it. Cuz the day after dumped me he had texted me something about how it was supposed to snow a bunch the next day, and my response was "So I hear." cuz I was still reeling from everything. So it just seemed like I had to just take that one step forward by asking a harmless question to see his response, and I was really pleased that he texted back so quickly. Other than that, I try my best to keep it off my mind and focus on other things- like the trip to Michigan I am taking on Tuesday. But even those thoughts turn to him. I think of the trip, I think of flying, how I hate flying, how we had once discussed that he would pick me up from the airport when I get back, then I think of how the flying seemed so much more tolerable knowing I would come back into the arms of the man I love. It made it seem like there was no way anything could go wrong because I had a reason to get back here. Now without that, I am more nervous to fly but still excited to get outta here for a while. Then today, out of nowhere, I get a text from W that says "Hi". (Thats how a lot of our text convos begin, btw) So I wrote back "Hey" not sure what was going on. Then he texted back saying that he was running to his work to pick up his paycheck (right by my house) and was wondering if I wanted him to stop over and pick me up and then I could come to his place and hang with him and his mom. WHAT?!?! I was really floored by that- in a good way. I really do miss seeing him altogether, so if I get to see him just as a friend, then I will take it. I had plans with my mom already so I had to decline his offer, but asked him to say hi to his mom for me. He said ok, then later texted me that she said hello in return. I told him that we do need to hang out another time soon (tomorrow? I didnt say that, but its what I am secretly thinking). Now, some people have told me that I should NOT hang out with him because they think it will be weird, or that it will be too hard for me, or that if I still have feelings for him that it will just hurt more. But I honestly dont think any of that is the case. I really truly would rather be his friend than nothing, and this is the first step toward that and I am willing to deal with the bit of awkwardness associated with the transition, but its important enough to me that I want to do it anyway. As far as my feelings for him go, sure I still love him, and I wish things werent how they are now but at the same time I am aware of the way things ARE and how he feels about it and I am not walking into it hoping he will miraculously change his mind. I mean, sure there is that sliver of hope deep inside, but if I ever lost the ability to believe that nothing is impossible I may as well fall over dead because thats no way to live. That said, I am logical and I saw in black and white text that he doesnt want a romantic relationship with me, including the reasons why. So I am going to take this chance to be his friend and run with it. I already know he is a great friend, not to mention that I think it really took some guts on his part to reach out to me and invite me to his house after breaking my heart a week and a half ago. Plus I know his mom likes me and had hopes for us. In the same breath, though, she of course understands why he decided to end it and I respect both of them and the decision that was made. See, its not always about ME. He broke up with me because some of the things between us werent completely on the same page, and as hard as that is to accept, its absolutely 100% true. The only way things could ever be different between us in a relationship would be if those fundamentals were to change in one of us, and I can tell you right now that mine are set in stone. And even though it doesnt work in my favor, its ok with me that his beliefs are also so strongly grounded because I would NEVER ask someone to compromise their own values and morals for me, in fact I insist they DONT do that. So if that means we can never be together, then I can understand the logic of that. The hard part is the illogical part- the part of me that feels a passion for him and is thisclose to throwing all my beliefs out the window just to kiss him once again. The part of me that stops breathing every single time he texts me. The part of me that likes to secretly stare at him when he isnt paying attention, just because he is fascinating and its so amazing to just see him in that light. That foolish part of me that had already imagined our lives together for the rest of our eternity: getting engaged, married, having kids, growing old, traveling, getting a cabin, etc... And I have an amazingly active imagination and I like that about myself- being able to escape reality with some futuristic fantasy that will never be. But I can make it look so real in my mind that I dont even care it wont happen. In that moment, it feels so real. Well, almost. Because that part of me is also the tiny part that will always hold out hope for all of the impossibilities in my life. Not just pertaining to W, but everything I have ever dreamed into life in my mind. The dreams in which I become a famous/respected/Grammy-winning singer/songwriter, get married to in the most amazing wedding in the history of ever, and we have such an awe-inspiring romance that we are remembered for the rest of time, I live on a tropical beach somewhere with a hammock strung between two palm trees overlooking the sapphire blue seas, I win the lottery and can afford every single luxury I had ever heard of including daily massages, Louboutins, custom cars, and trips anywhere. I could go on and on, but I think you get the point ;) I guess the lesson learned today is that I do know the difference between reality and fantasy, but I dont always care. Sometimes if the two worlds get a little blurry around the edges, or begin to overlap, I think thats a pretty awesome thing. OMG I just remembered there is a Bella quote from Twilight about being logical about someone you love... I FOUND IT! OMG I am so Bella! "I decided. Once you cared about a person, it was impossible to be logical about them anymore."~Bella Swan WOW~ I totally said the same thing in this blog. That blows my mind! And makes me smile really really big. Alright, cool. On that note, I am outta here for now.

Its All Alright

So last Sunday morning, I wake up blissfully unaware of the upcoming tragedy as I went downstairs to feed my dog. It was then I checked my phone to find a text from the bf. Its the kind of text you never expect to get. At least I didnt, and maybe I was naive, but I never saw it coming. Not even a little bit. The actual text is something I really dont want to look at right now, but the gist of it was: 'I am breaking up with you. We are better as friends, and thats it. Oh, and my mom really likes you.' I was stunned and immediately heartbroken and wasnt sure how to respond, and to be frank, I am not sure how I did respond. We texted back and forth a while, and at some point I said "You're breaking my heart." and he said "I'm sorry." It just destroyed me. I went back to bed with my dog and proceeded to watch Breaking Dawn Part 2 while crying quietly in the early morning hours of a Sunday betrayed. Eventually my roomie came in to check on her dog, and immediately knew something was wrong and asked me. I said "W broke up with me." And she jumped into bed with me and we talked about it all day. She called in sick to work to stay with me. At some point that morning, I decided to put on a pretty dress, sparkly heels, and a crown while eating Oreo's watching Breaking Dawn Part 2 on repeat. I was so legitimately blindsided that I hadnt actually had any prep time at all. Plus, his reasoning for ending things just made no sense. It still doesnt. He gave me 3 reasons, all of which we had been open and honest about since day one. So his reasons are invalid in my book. But that said, I respect him for having his own opinion and for being straightforward with me, even if it hurts like hell. He has the right to choose who he is in a relationship with, and as much as I love him, I would never want him to feel like he was obligated to stay with me. I never want anyone to feel that way. I want them to WANT to stay: to CHOOSE to stay. And he didnt. But the really weird thing is that I am not even mad. I am sad, really sad, because I already miss him and I had high hopes for us, but I am not mad for someone doing what they think is the right thing. I just never really thought it would end like this. Or at all. And it sounds stupid, but I really like his mom- she and I get along famously. I miss her too. And I do want to be friends even if that means that cant be together, because I think he is an honest, good person. And we just werent meant to be. Thats always a jagged pill to swallow. It seems things are NEVER meant to be for me. And I really put myself out there for him. In every way imaginable. I was honest, and didnt let my insecurities make me hide myself from him. I made a conscious effort to say what I was thinking even if that meant being vulnerable. And that is so so so hard to do. But I would rather put my true self out there and be rejected, than hide from the intimacy of it and never know what could have been. So I have been listening to "All Alright" by FUN. and its really helping me get through this all. The lyrics say "Its all alright, I said its all alright. I got nothing left inside of my chest, but its all alright." and "I came back with the belief that everyone I love is gonna leave me..." And that about sums it up for this post. I guess its all alright...